A Fish Story

There is a prelude to this fish story that really has nothing to do with fish or fishing. It has to do with becoming the parent of the Alzheimer's patient. Many people can't or won't become primary caregivers because of the role transition involved. The person with Alzheimer's becomes progressively more incompetent to care for themselves or make certain decisions. The child of that person either has to agree to become the 24 hour parent and make a complete role reversal or commit the parent to the care of someone else who will. Parenting of a child can be wearing, but it is a piece of cake to parenting an Alzheimer's patient. At a conference last week the speaker was using the comparison of a child to an Alzheimer's patient. The key distinction is that the child will grow and learn, but the Alzheimer's patient will only decline. There will be no new learning, no new mastered skills, no reasoned discussions or explanations. Indeed the skills that had been mastered will fade away. In many ways every day is new, what was told to them yesterday is gone for good. Reasoning is a two step process and they will often have difficulty with one step processes. As parents we used to say that it went in one ear and out the other. With Alzheimer's patients it goes in one ear and dissolves.

So, I took Dad fishing today. It was a long process to get going. The reels from last year were needing a little attention. My sons and I needed to get fishing licenses. A few other chores had to be attended to first, but finally we were off. We met my other son and his father in law and started drowning a few worms. The fish were biting, if you call 4 inch catfish fish. Then grandpa caught one. Well, if you call a 12 inch carp a fish, he caught one. Now, in his mind which is a child like mind, that was supper for 5000 people if we just had 5 loaves to go with it. I am not so old that I can't remember such high hopes. But, it was a carp, and only a little one at that. Now, the adult thinks ahead. If we take that home he will want to clean it, but he can't clean it by himself. Then he will want to eat it or nag my wife to cook it for him until she goes crazy. Of course, he would choke to death on the bones, or worse, insult her cooking of the fish. The humane thing to do was done. The carp went back into the river.

Now, I remember what my dad said about carp when we were children. "I don't want any of that *%#@)* fish in my house." But, now he is the kid, and he wanted it. He got mad and not a little mad. He compared my action to the recrucifixion of Christ (really) among other things. He put his pole away and wouldn't fish anymore. All day my boys had waited to go fishing, and now it was over. Fortuneately the boys are old enough to accept things like this, but it made them really not want to ever go fishing with grandpa again. Why, you ask, didn't I just throw the fish into the garden when I got home. 2 reasons jump immediately to mind. First, I had no idea he would react quite the way he did, upset, yes, crazy angry and pouting, no. Second, the anger would have been just as acute at home as at the river. Since I wasn't expecting quite the outburst that ocurred, taking care of the anger now rather than later saved postponing the inevitable and seemed quite logical at the time.

There is a final postscript to this fish story. Now Dad smells like fish. Only he can't smell it and won't believe that we or anyone else can either. He loathes taking showers or getting fully clean. Too bad for the people tomorrow when he goes and plays the piano for them. The flip side of being the parent to the Alzheimer's patient is that I can't physically drag him into the shower like I could a child. One, it is against the law and, two, he's too big. That is just part of the problem of parenting an adult, it ain't as easy as parenting a child. Compulsion is not in the vocabulary of the full time caregiver. They may be the child, but there is none of the natural acceptance of roles and what they mean. Now, excuse me, I must go see how I can detoxify him without creating a national calamity.