Never Say Die Joe

Last week Dad was pestering the director of the adult day care center to let him play the piano more days than one. She has been telling him for weeks that the answer is "no". Last week she put it more emphatically. "NO, Joe. You will only play one day a week. No more." There were not enough words there to rearrange into anything else. He came home miffed. Now, this was not new news. But to him, this was like an epiphany. How could they do such a thing?! I asked him if they hadn't already told him that for weeks on end. Yes, but this was different. He understood it was final because the sentence was too short to construe in any other way. That would seem to be the end of it. But, no. This is Dad. Yesterday he came home and said that he had gotten thirteen people to sign a petition to have him play more days. These are the same people that he has already said are too deaf to hear what he plays and/or too mentally impaired to have an opinion. Never say die.

This week he started at the adult care center 4 days a week. This wasn't new news either. We have been talking about it for some time. He has brought it up himself and even said that he would do it since he had to do it. Then on Sunday night he declared that he wouldn't go a fourth day. NO. NO WAY! I was sincerely hoping that he would have forgotten that oath by morning, but since it was a negative item and not a positive one, that was a wasted hope. Monday morning was not too pleasant. He was going to dig in and not go. I wasn't going to let him do so. Every time he tried to give a reason why he shouldn't, I just cut him off and told him that he would. Period. End of story. After repeatedly being cut off at the start of each argument, he finally got dressed and just was ready when the bus came. He seemed to have had a good time and met someone new to visit with that day. The process can be very wearing. It really requires more than just one person or couple to deal with the every day issues of an Alzheimer's patient. But the sun came up again Tuesday morning and all in all, Dad had a good week.

Birthday Joe

It was an event to bring some joy to Dad. Wednesday was his birthday. At our church's Lenten supper we had a small surprise birthday party for him. He got a basket full of cards and we changed the activity for the evening to one in which he could easily participate. (It isn't easy making all activities easy for Alzheimer's patients and still enjoyable for everyone else.) He was surprised. He blew out his candles and opened his cards. It was a small moment of joy.

What is the downside, the descent to this story. His mind doesn't retain joy nearly as well as it retains anger and resentment. He hasn't mentioned the party since we got home from church. There is no such thing that I have noticed in 16 months as lingering happiness. He continues to be upset about his money. Last night I took my bride on a date. (That is why the blog is a day late.) Our daughter stayed with him and he railed on her about our (my bride and me) being so mean to him about his money. Remember the new soft target I mentioned last week. He found one. This morning my bride and I went to the church spring clean up day and left him with her again. By the time we got home his anger was fully spilling over to not so soft targets. Finding no supportive ear in me, he finally just went angrily to his room. So much for any lingering happiness from a moment of joy. Joy and Joe, it seems, are incompatible.

Never Wrong Joe

Sometimes it is hard to distinguish between Alzheimer's and just plain old Joe. The admission of being wrong is something that I remember as being very rare in Dad from my childhood days. At least then he could be proven wrong with evidence, though never wrong with logic. Today he can simply never be wrong period. I suppose it has something to do with protecting his turf, the bit of mental capacity that he still identifies as his own. If he were to admit wrongness, then he would feel that he had no turf left. In general, agreement with the Alzheimer's patient is the easiest route to take. "It sure is cloudy" (on a sunny day) would be answered, "It sure is." If there is danger to the person by agreement, however, then it is not the best route to take. Avoidance or distraction are the first lines of defense. But when Dad is "protecting his turf" he can get exceedingly angry at avoidance and strongly resists distraction. That unfortunately can often lead to confrontation. It is a confrontation that he will always pursue with utmost vigor though he will always lose, not in the sense that he has been proven wrong, but in the sense that he doesn't achieve his goal.

There is no way to list all the issues on which he is right. That would take a catalog as big as a large volume and need to be updated daily. Lately he has been pushing the issue of his being well and not needing anyone to take care of his money. That is the recurring mantra every few weeks. He has given up arguing with me about it. He has learned that that topic will go nowhere with me. So, he has been trying a softer target. The past few weeks he has been on my bride's case about it almost daily. Since she can ignore someone about as effectively as anyone that I know, it hasn't really bothered her much. She just goes "mm, hmm," a few times and he drops the issue figuring that he has gained full assent. Actually she is just humming a tune and not listening to a word he says. This past week, however, he went into a full court press with her on the issue. No tune humming murmurs would do for him. His anger level has increased and an answer must be complete and agreement must be full. Unfortunately for him he discovered she is not such a soft target. She turned to him and with a stern look and very stern mother's voice laid out the law. His jaw dropped, his eyes popped and then he just shut up. Victory was hers. At least it has been for the rest of this week. Of course he is still right. He just needs someone new to convince about it.

Same 'Ol Joe

It has been a relatively uneventful week for Joe. The massive Midwest storm has limited travel to only the necessary. No trips. He got to play a little on an extra day this week, but that is not going to be the norm. Mostly he has just been negative and grumpy and complaining.

On Wednesday he complained about what was done at church. Every day he has complained about no one believing he is healed. Daily he has been complaining about not having control of his own life, money, or whatever has hit his mood at the time. This is all cyclical. He will go on rants for a week or so and then be mellow and happy for a while and then go on rants again. All the rants are always the same issues. It is like his mind is a record and when it gets to that spot the music just has to play. Since there are no answers to what he is complaining about, no answer that he can reason out, he just goes on and on. It was much worse when he first came here because we didn't know about the disease and didn't have any experience in dealing with him. Now, it is just the cycle of the month. There is no satisfactory answer and he won't be redirected, so we just let him rant.