A Bit Overwhelmed

Tonight was a big night at our house. 5 of our 6 children were home. 1 with a spouse, 2 with fiancees, and 1 pair with a grandchild. My bride worked in the kitchen most of the day and our daughter worked in hers to make this a great meal for the gathered family. Almost everyone was happy. It was loud, raucous, a typical old fashioned meal at our house. One person was not so loud or raucous or happy. One person was not having a good time. DAD.

I knew it in advance that he wouldn't be happy, but I have come to the conclusion that he can't thereby spoil everyone else's happiness. He can't follow one conversation let alone 6 or 7 at a time. I always sit closest to him, and I saw that he tried to "hush" one of my boys several times. He tried but without success. There was no opportunity to for him to start one of his reminisces, no one would have heard if he did. I used to make the family sit quietly while he talked, but he never really had a point or could answer their questions or engage them when they tried to talk to him. I stopped that a couple of gatherings ago. Half the table never could hear what he said and the other half, since he mumbles a lot, could not understand what he had said. Then he would sit with a blank stare and everyone was uncertain how to respond. If they did he could not understand them and he would look genuinely disappointed. Now I have had to make the choice of which is the least insensitive. Not an easy decision.

After eating he went straight to his room. He didn't stay around like he usually does to try to talk to someone. Crowds understandably bother him, but my family is quite a crowd and I won't have them all avoid coming home because it bothers him. He would not like to stay in his room while they are here because he wants to be a part and doesn't remember how he wasn't a happy part the last time. These are the little issues that plague the caregiver. On the other hand there was someone else tonight that really enjoyed the crowd. My grandson. There is nothing like a crowd to wind up a toddler and get them in the show off mood. He went home a happy baby boy. Therein is the contrast in the sunshine and descent.

Return of the Terrible Two's

I won't say that it was bound to happen, because I thought we had done everything possible to make sure it didn't, but it did. Dad returned to the terrible two's last week. He came home from day care and in a real 2 year old fit announced, "I am not going back to that place!!!!" Why, my bride and I asked. "Because!!!!" Because why? "I don't have to tell you, huh!" What happened? "I am not going back to that place and you can't make me!!!" What happened? "I don't have to tell you!" This could go on for a while. After our first "battle royal" in several months, he went back.

It almost made me regret not going on a real vacation. The result was nearly the same. He had been out of routine, Labor Day holiday had come and he hadn't understood why he had a day off, and whammo! The big plus is that this year he is back to five days a week right away and not the long drama of a year ago where it took 9 months to get him to go back. By Thursday of last week it was over and forgotten. Yippee!! I do fear that if we had gone for a whole week and he had been out of routine for that time, we would be stuck with a much worse situation than just one day of a tantrum.

Good news and bad news are hard to differentiate with Alzheimer's. He is declining and is now pretty fully in stage 6. (There are 7 stages.) When he came to us two years ago he was a 4 to 5. That is decline. The good news is that he is more mellow, usually. This is one of the rare diseases where bad news is good news for both him and us. He is less frustrated because he can think much less clearly. In turn he frustrates us much less. At a time when there are some major other changes happening in our lives, this is a nice bonus. How potential changes will affect us or him is yet to be seen. Again, in a strange way, that is a bonus. At least we can truly say that in our lives every day is an adventure.