Decline

That is the key word in Dad's life these days. Some days it is almost a notable decline from the day before. All the problems of the past are magnified, except, thankfully, his anger. Confusion about what is going on is more noticeable. Understanding of what is being said is a constant. Conversation with him is nearly impossible. Oh, he has a good day and has up moments once in a while, but it is the exception not the rule. His speech is increasingly slurred and he more often than not starts his conversations in the middle and has no idea what the start was. He has virtually stopped responding to my bride at all. Is it a hearing problem or a perception problem? Both and inseparable. Analyzing it is difficult because of it being perceptional. He cannot process what is being asked of him so it is difficult to assess what he is hearing and what he is missing. A question, even one asked loudly, is lost in his mind. He responds in part and that part is usually far from the direction the question was going. He didn't understand. He didn't process the words going in in the order they were asked nor in the way they were construed. It is a repeated supper time ritual for me to look at my bride and ask if she understood anything of what he has just said so that we can make a comment. It is consistent, no she hasn't understood it either.

For all that he is happy. He still has his "girl friend". He still plans to marry her soon. Soon is a very relative term. Each day soon is as far away as yesterday and as close as soon can be. He talks about her less than he did, unless of course he is mumbling something about her that we haven't understood or loudly and clearly stated a random thought about her that had neither beginning or end to its point. Therefore he may be talking about her and we don't know it. But, he is happy. He looks forward to the days his great grandson comes to visit. That is a point on which he can talk with some clarity for some time after the visit. As to his newest great granddaughter he is virtually indifferent. I have never really heard him mention her at all unless she is right in the room. He does remember that my brother has grandchildren. If he wins something at bingo at the adult day care he will bring home toys for the grandchildren, but not the new granddaughter.

While losing more control of his mind he is also losing more control of his body. That is something that seems to cause him embarrassment. That is good in a way. It shows he still has certain areas of awareness. It is bad, too. He cannot help it and he knows it. But, he is happy. That has to be my mantra because it is the sole thing to hold on to in these days of swifter decline. How fast everything will accelerate is still a fool's best guess. He could reach a plateau as he has in the past and stay there for months or more. He could slip and fall and be bedridden for a week and forget how to walk and be in a nursing home and into end stage Alzheimer's in a week. He doesn't know any of this, and he is happy. He is his own sunshine in his descent.