Here it is. Three years ago this week, Halloween day, it all began. Who would have thought what that day would bring. I took my brother to see Dad to go to a scheduled doctor's appointment, one that I had let Dad know about in advance. When we got there he had no idea why we were there or why he was going to the doctor. After a pleasant lunch together at his favorite restaurant, we went to the appointment. Who would have guessed the outcome.
I knew that Dad has Alzheimer's disease. My bride and I had done a lot of study on it over the past 2 years since Dad had called up and told me he had unexpectedly sold his house. Reading about it is one thing. Experiencing it is another. A person can read about war, but unless they have been there, it is only a partial reality. The sights, the sounds, the smells of each encounter, the racing of the heart, the fear, the relief are only half real from literature or the movies. I have come to realize that watching Hogan's Heroes is about as good at preparing someone for prison camp as reading an Alzheimer's book is at preparing someone to take care of an Alzheimer's patient. There is nothing quite like reality.
That was three years ago. Dad is still with us. The original expectation was the he would live in his own rented apartment near us and we would look in on him two or three times a week as needed. We had quickly found an appropriate apartment complex and had the rental forms ready within a week of his arrival. By that time, though, we were getting the first glimmers that reality was not going to match expectation. It was going to be three weeks before he could get into his new apartment and by then it was crystal clear he could never again live on his own. Agenda change. Two months later I sat down with my siblings and asked their ideas. Their ideas were quite clear. Possession is 90% of the law and I already had him, I could keep him. The anticipation was that he would be in a home in less than six months and if there was any money left in his account after I had paid all his overdue bills, I could take my bride out for dinner. Reality check. Agenda change.
Three months ago my bride and I came to the realization that after 2 years and 9 months with us, with rapidly declining overall health and sharp decline in mental acuity, it was time to place Dad in a home. We planned to have all arrangements made and have him placed within three months. Reality check. Agenda change. Dad is still here. Actually he has been a bit more lucid this past week than in the past month. These episodes happen. Alzheimer's is not a straight line from clear to incoherent. A stage that could last for 6 months can also, we have learned, last for 16 months. Within that stage there can be ups and downs that reflect the previous one or more stages and periods that reflect the coming stage or stages. It is not a straight line. Reality check. When I talked with my siblings three years ago, we didn't know that. While they had not read up on the disease, they took my word for it and my word came from the literature which hadn't exactly explained all of it. Reality check.
So here we are. 3 years later and light years wiser. We have no idea what to expect tomorrow so we go with the flow today. That is the reality. Dad is here and we work to make sure that each of his todays, which he can't remember tomorrow, are as satisfactory as we can make them. Happy anniversary. I don't think we will throw a party.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Oh NO! Not again!
Wow! It has been almost a month since my last post. Who knew? Not me. I think of things to say almost daily. Interesting things happen about that often. But, I guess I don't write them here because it has been a month.
Well, Dad had a new battery put in his pacemaker. My bride was with him all day at the hospital from 6am to 5pm. Having Dad wouldn't be possible without her. Someone has to go out into the wicked old world and earn our keep. Actually, I think it is the easier job to watching Dad. What made the event so interesting was that there was really SOMETHING in the meds they gave him to do the surgery. When he came out of surgery he was more alert than at any time in the past 3 months. That may have something to do with the fact that his blood pressure shot back up to 179 over 110. While that sounds absolutely terrible to me, the doctor seemed unconcerned. Then again it may not have had anything to do with his blood pressure and only with the meds. Anyway he was alert, very, very alert. He was volatile and angry and argumentative just like 2 years ago. It was unpleasant to take that trip down memory lane.
The first thought I had was, "Oh, no!! If he stays like this he will fight us tooth and nail when it comes time to go into a home." No, I didn't think about keeping him longer. His relapse was harder on us than his recent decline. We have put up with such abuse from him in the past when we still had some stamina left. That kind of abuse now when our stamina is all gone was a little over the top. NO, A lot over the top. No, he wasn't better or getting better. He has Alzheimer's disease and won't get better. But if the spike in alertness lasted we would be facing some really challenging days and bigger decisions about his care. Would we keep him longer to postpone the fight over a nursing home? We would both have mental breakdowns before the weekend was over? Would we place him in a home sooner, any home, to stave off that breakdown? Yes, the line is now very taut. I wanted to give him to my brother for his birthday, I really, really did, but he said he wouldn't take him anyway, so that was out. What to do about Dad?
Good news, the meds or whatever wore off in two days. He no longer remembers being in the hospital. He is back to near incoherence. He is back to placidity. The rope is a little less taut and we can breathe. I assure everyone who is on the sidelines wondering about my attitude that unless they have lived in the same house for 3 years with an Alzheimer's patient who has run the gamut from violently abusive to babblingly repetitious, they had better not make a comment or judgment at all. To anyone who thinks we should just dig deeper for more strenght, please take him for a month while my bride and I try to find where deeper is?
What about the nursing home wait? We are still waiting. Right now it doesn't seem he will make it there by the first of November. That was supposed to be a birthday gift to my bride. Anyway, with that realization in mind we are ready to stay the course as long at it requires. There must be strength there somewhere. My bride and I have talked about it and that is just the way things are and that is just how life is. Thank God there is a God, and He will be with us through this today, tomorrow and as long as it takes. That is our sunhine in Dad's descent.
Well, Dad had a new battery put in his pacemaker. My bride was with him all day at the hospital from 6am to 5pm. Having Dad wouldn't be possible without her. Someone has to go out into the wicked old world and earn our keep. Actually, I think it is the easier job to watching Dad. What made the event so interesting was that there was really SOMETHING in the meds they gave him to do the surgery. When he came out of surgery he was more alert than at any time in the past 3 months. That may have something to do with the fact that his blood pressure shot back up to 179 over 110. While that sounds absolutely terrible to me, the doctor seemed unconcerned. Then again it may not have had anything to do with his blood pressure and only with the meds. Anyway he was alert, very, very alert. He was volatile and angry and argumentative just like 2 years ago. It was unpleasant to take that trip down memory lane.
The first thought I had was, "Oh, no!! If he stays like this he will fight us tooth and nail when it comes time to go into a home." No, I didn't think about keeping him longer. His relapse was harder on us than his recent decline. We have put up with such abuse from him in the past when we still had some stamina left. That kind of abuse now when our stamina is all gone was a little over the top. NO, A lot over the top. No, he wasn't better or getting better. He has Alzheimer's disease and won't get better. But if the spike in alertness lasted we would be facing some really challenging days and bigger decisions about his care. Would we keep him longer to postpone the fight over a nursing home? We would both have mental breakdowns before the weekend was over? Would we place him in a home sooner, any home, to stave off that breakdown? Yes, the line is now very taut. I wanted to give him to my brother for his birthday, I really, really did, but he said he wouldn't take him anyway, so that was out. What to do about Dad?
Good news, the meds or whatever wore off in two days. He no longer remembers being in the hospital. He is back to near incoherence. He is back to placidity. The rope is a little less taut and we can breathe. I assure everyone who is on the sidelines wondering about my attitude that unless they have lived in the same house for 3 years with an Alzheimer's patient who has run the gamut from violently abusive to babblingly repetitious, they had better not make a comment or judgment at all. To anyone who thinks we should just dig deeper for more strenght, please take him for a month while my bride and I try to find where deeper is?
What about the nursing home wait? We are still waiting. Right now it doesn't seem he will make it there by the first of November. That was supposed to be a birthday gift to my bride. Anyway, with that realization in mind we are ready to stay the course as long at it requires. There must be strength there somewhere. My bride and I have talked about it and that is just the way things are and that is just how life is. Thank God there is a God, and He will be with us through this today, tomorrow and as long as it takes. That is our sunhine in Dad's descent.
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