I'll Be Home for Christmas (Maybe)

It is the last day of 2008. It has not been a good year for Dad. Too say that he is in a frequent fog would be to put the case mildly. His forgetfulness has fully affected his long, mid and short term memory to a state of total impairment. He cannot repeat a simple statement without confusion. A case in point would be today when he came home and said that there was some kind of schedule problem at the adult day care. Of course, those aren't the words that he used, but I had it figured out since tomorrow is New Year's Day and the center is closed. I was expecting some kind of comment, so it was easier to figure out what he was trying to say. I said, "Yes, it is closed for New Year's Day, do you understand?" He just looked at me. I repeated myself more loudly as he might not have heard. The ear doctor said that he had no way of determining if Dad could hear or not since he could not give any appropriate responses. Anyway, with a louder statement and more slowly spoken, he just looked at me and said, "No." I said, "Repeat after me, New (pause) Year's (pause) Day." He just looked at me. We tried again. And again. And again. No, he could not get past the word "new". He just couldn't do it.

Yes, that brings us to Christmas. He didn't get that either. It was such a dramatic change from last year that it was astounding. As we built up to Christmas he said nothing. He made no comment about decorations. When we discussed Christmas he showed no comprehension of what it was. Last year he wanted to buy presents. This year he was without any understanding of the day. On Christmas Eve the center closed early. They had explained it to them, but he didn't get it. When he came home we explained it to him, but he didn't get it. We told him the center would be closed the next day, but he didn't get it. We went to Christmas Eve service at church. He didn't know why we were going or what it was about. After church we reminded him that there would be no bus in the morning. He wanted to know why. We explained that it was Christmas but he didn't understand. On Christmas day we opened our presents. He just sat there with his and kept looking at them over and over. (Yes, he opened them.) He was in a fog. He was home for Christmas, but only in his dream world, not in reality.

His routine is all that there is left. That has been messed with a lot lately. There was a snow day that closed down the center. Routine upset. He had a hard time with that. The next day my brother couldn't stay long as we were having another blizzard that afternoon. Routine upset. The next day church services were canceled because of the blizzard. Routine upset. The following week there was early closure of the center on Christmas Eve and no center on Christmas day. Routine upset. This week it is closed tomorrow. Routine upset. It is no longer an issue of not liking to go to the center. The center is his life, his routine. That is a quantum change from the beginning of this year when he still routinely complained about going because he didn't like it. All the big events that he could grasp at least a little are now ungraspable. His decline has accelerated from the "Bunny Slope" to the "Expert Slope" level. Since it was bad for him before, and he was confused before, it is worse for him now. Sometimes he looks like he knows that he is in a fog, that he can't grasp things said or thoughts thought. Then he looks weakly and sadly with a shrug and then it is all gone again. NO, it has not been a good year for Dad. He has dived faster and farther than the stock market. Next year he won't be home, not home here anyway, for Christmas. This is his last year here, but maybe he wasn't here already.

What next? Our top three choices for nursing homes told us two weeks ago that they had no planned openings until late March or April. That was an incredibly shocking bit of news and diminished our sunshine in this descent. We are committed to placing him in the best possible facility and not taking just any place to get him placed. We have no choice number four when it comes to homes. Unless there is an unexpected opening, we will have Dad for another 3 to 4 months. That is 3 to 4 months of his not really being here, but requiring much more care as a consequence. For Dad there is now only descent. For us, the weather seems to have turned a bit cloudy. We thank God that He is always behind the clouds casting his Sonshine. In the coming months, that will be our sunshine in this accelerating descent.