Little things and big things

Years ago a good friend of mine was a second grade teacher. She told me that she hated weekly reader days. Since I always liked weekly reader, I wondered why she didn't. How many times can you hear and laugh at the same lame joke? she asked. Every student would read the joke page and then go to her desk and ask her the same riddle or tell the same joke. At first it was cute, but at the end of the day it had gone to the proverbial straw and the camel's back. Such a little thing became big, like Chinese water torture or the great science fair demonstration of how erosion works by placing a bar of soap below a slowly leaking faucet. Just a little thing, but the effects are enormous over time. Are they little things or big things?

Is it little or big? 1) Having to strap him into his seat in the car each time we go somewhere because he can't figure out the seat belt. 2) Hearing the same story at every meal about his grandparents and their 14 children and how they ate in shifts. (That is approximately 1000 supper meals where we have heard the same story.) 3) Seeing his unclean hair, dry shower stall and no wet towels why he swears he just took a shower and swears at you for doubting him. 4) Having him mumble incoherent syllables and then in a moment of clarity ask, "well, what do you think?" 5) Never washing his hands after he goes to the bathroom, which is usually just before dinner, and then holding his hand during prayer for the meal. 6) Rapping on the wall just before entering any room. 7) Standing in the most used passageway in the house indifferent to all the traffic trying to get by. 8) Arguing about the waste of soap and water when he is made to wash his hands before drying the dishes. (A note here, he insists on helping by drying the dishes after supper each night. He also insists on making a major production out of not needing to wash those still filthy hands.) 9) Those sudden unannounced appearances (the few times he doesn't announce his arrival with a rap on the wall) which almost always happen long after you think he is sound asleep in bed. (He can be quieter than a cat.) These appearances are almost always accompanied by the one word expression, "well?" 10) Getting his coat and hat on twenty to thirty minutes early each morning to wait for the bus in the hottest room in our house (the kitchen) and then sitting there for those twenty to thirty minutes saying, "I guess they forgot about me today." These 10 items are not prioritized, just listed. N0 big deal in and of themselves. Repeat daily ad infinitim nauseum. Throw in the big things and mix well until you would tell the national secrets to anyone who asked.

Are these little or big? 1) Grabbing toys away from 3 year old great grandchildren because you don't know what the toy is or why they have it. 2) Throwing one of those 3 year olds on the floor and twisting his arm to get one such toy. 3) Swearing at anyone who challenges such actions, or other actions he cannot otherwise explain. 4) Playing hide and seek with his dirty underwear which was dirtied by an accident which he swears (literally) he never has. (Somebody else in his room sure has a lot of them then.) 5) Lashing the dog to the lever on his recliner because he didn't want her to leave his room. 6) Trying to pick up but instead dropping his 1 year old great granddaughter and then swearing (literally) that he didn't and why is everyone upset. 7) Provoking the dog with constant teasing gestures until she nips at him. (So far so good. She is a good dog and does no harm, but she has gotten quite agitated at times.) Again, these are not prioritized, just listed. These happen with some frequency, but not daily like the others. Now blend them into the pot with general incoherence, confusion on what he is trying to say and you are trying desperately to figure out, the frustration that brings to both parties, and then mix in the final ingredients of paranoia and persectution complex which is often a by product of Alzheimer's disease and the stew is ready.

Oh, there is one final ingredient. This week the nursing home said they have no beds available for men and don't have any planned vacancies in the near future. A four month pre-registration time turns out to have been highly inadequate. We are so thankful for the services provided by community agencies like adult day care, home health aids, visiting nurses, quarterly social worker visits and of course caring friends like the one who comes weekly to play cribbage with Dad. My bride and I have had an opportunity on many of those cribbage days to take a walk and relax for a half hour. Wonderful. These people are the icing on the cake that hides all the lumps of the cake batter. The candles on the cake are our daughters who take time from their busy schedules and watch him when we absolutely have to get something done and he is not at adult day care. There is my brother who comes once a week and takes Dad out to supper. One meal without the story of 14 grandchildren is more of a treat than many would realize. It does take a village to care for an Alzheimer's patient. The village is the sunshine in the descent.